Ang kisame...

I do start to get frustrated again with a girl (a woman rather). I don’t know if it is love, but I started to dream about her recently, I don’t know why either, but I know when it started. It started when I have stared on his profile picture. It bothers me and I didn’t expect this to happen, rather I should say I didn’t intended to make me feel this ache nor she rather intended too. But seeing her makes me feel complete and at the same time it hurts me a lot, hurt because I am bounded by an oath not make any relationship until I am independent. And another scenario, I cannot have a relationship with her either because she was an ex-girlfriend of one my friends and it is kind an awkward to confess to her, and another thing is I’m not sure if it is love.

To be honest, I’m captured by her beauty, not love, but I want to draw her face all over over again without second thoughts. I’m becoming more addicted to her. I have told some of my friends that is also a friend to her, I told them the situation and they do understand.

I don’t know if it is just me… but I’ve got a feeling that she had also awed by me. I have seen it on her glance. I do want to ignore it but It’s just getting me deep within my bones. I want to confess to her what I feel, but I lack courage and moment that both of us would be alone. I didn’t get the time either because it will be a great talk around the class. The weird, talented, skilled, and in some manner a well active guy falling in love with a well reserved girl with great beauty and smile. I don’t want that kind of ruckus around, I don’t want attention either, and as I have said, I’m not certain if it is really love I feel.

I stopped for awhile because my tooth aches >_<

Every time December comes, I feel so depressed. Though it is the month where the Christian world is celebrating the birth of our saviour, I still can’t breath well that much.

It is the month when my father died.

Since I was young, I’m always with my father. He usually bring me along with him during weekends to church and some place where both of us can eat burgers. Though he had a nice job with high position, my whole family lived in slight poverty. I don’t know why he chose to let us be in that situation but I think I understand why. And still, I looked up to him as my hero. He is a great guy for attaining such a stature of scholar in University of the Philippines, transferred to King’s Point New York Academy, recruited and served in US Navy as an officer(forgot his position) and traveled around the world. After 8 years of service, he transferred to Philippine Merchant Marine Academy and Served as Lieutenant General. He even became the captain of Presidential Yacht of former president Ramon Magsaysay. And became head managers of 3 Industrial Companies.

Despite of that achievements, I despised him because of his attitude back when I was young in dealing with my mother. Every week, my father will argue with my mother, worse is the verbal abuse my mother attained from it insisting that she was a slut. In front of his daughters and sons, my father do that without hesitation. He is accusing my mother of having relationship with other guys, though there is none. Maybe he is jealous, in worst form. But no it is not Jealousy alone, Paranoia maybe with third party, my father’s brothers.

As I grow up, I used to remember things he had done to my mother. As If I can’t forgive him. And I became cruel and mostly against him…        … to be continued.

It’s my first time here in Tumblr and I think I can enjoy blogging here. Honestly, It’s been several years since I haven’t blog and now I don’t know how or where to start with.

“Ang kisame…” or “The ceiling” is the title I chose for my scrap because I want this blog to reflect everything from the top of my head; mostly ideas and thoughts. I displayed it in Filipino language because I feel uneasy in it’s English title; Ceiling was my mother’s nickname.

But the best part I want to do in blogging is making myself honest.

Though sorry for any grammatical error I will commit (or committed thus) in advance.

Thanks for reading.